Where people come together, conflicts arise from time to time – at work, in the family or among friends. So conflicts are nothing unusual. But they should be addressed and solutions should be sought. Easier said than done, because the question is often, “How should this be done?”
First step: address problem(s)
The fact is, many people have a hard time dealing with conflict. Some can’t even broach the subject of you in the first place, others repress it and then live with an uneasy feeling. And those who are brave enough often don’t know how to address their problem. But only those who address conflicts can change things. A good strategy is to share your everyday stress at home, no matter how trivial it is. This reduces tension and strengthens cohesion. Problems that are fundamental in nature usually cannot be solved with one conversation. Rather, it usually takes several discussions before a solution is in sight. Nevertheless, an interim result should be drawn after a conversation so that no one involved takes home the feeling that the discussions were wasted time. Sometimes you just have to give yourself and the others some time.
Effects of a resolved conflict
Once a solution has been reached, it should be communicated between the parties involved in the same way. Even better, if the result can be celebrated. After all, a well-solved conflict has positive effects on the “disputants”:
- First, there is security to resolve another discord to satisfaction.
- Second, the people involved feel better afterwards.
- Third, the group feeling is also strengthened. Because one has worked out understanding for the situation of the other and has come together to a solution.
Just in case: 6 tips from experienced dispute experts.
- It’s best to always express anger right away, then nothing builds up. Watch out for early signs of a crisis!
- Do not forget for what reason you argue and stay on the subject around which it is. Set rules for the flow of the conversation, for example, “First you get to say what you don’t like for five minutes, then it’s my turn for five minutes.” Everyone is forced to listen for a while and the other person has space to talk about their perspective. Everyone should share what they want and leave blame out of it.
- “Active listening”: put your own concerns aside and respond to the interlocutor. This reduces tension. Summarize the words of your counterpart, that shows whether everything has arrived correctly: “Do I understand you correctly that …” By the way, active listening does not mean to automatically agree with the other person!
- 5:1 rule: If you say in arguments five times what nice, the cushion is thick enough for a small “slip”, which is then rather forgiven by the opponent.
- Try to stay in the concrete and give a practical example to all grievances. Thus you achieve two things: you usually avoid very hurtful generalizations and your interlocutor understands their emotional world and the current unacceptable situation better.
- Admit it when you have obviously made a mistake and apologize. This speaks for your self-confidence. You show with it that you are about the matter and not about small power games. The magic word is respect.
Troubleshooting – the classics
A perfect arguing partner does not just fall from the sky. Arguing wants to be learned! There are basic mistakes that you make quite unconsciously and that make it difficult for any counterpart to give in.
- Do not sweep injustices or disagreements under the carpet. The longer a conflict smolders there, the larger and more insurmountable it becomes over time.
- Avoid sweeping judgments, generalizations or statements that put pressure on the other person. Example: “I am no longer willing …! “, “I can’t take it anymore …!” or “I’m not even thinking about it …!” Instead, confess your feeling in the current situation, instead of countering with accusations.
- Do not stonewall if your partner or child dares to address a precarious topic on their own. The more attempts the counterpart needs for it, the more aggressively it will raise its concern. And with you fades the desire to deal with the issue at all.
- Save irony, sarcasm or cynicism. Nobody gets along well with that and you also leave the factual debate. What’s more, children in particular can’t handle it. Contempt and devaluation heat up the confrontation unnecessarily and open listening becomes almost impossible.
- Bite your tongue before the little words “never”, “always”, “all”, “none” or “every time” cross your lips. They are wonderful “inciters” because they generalize and radicalize any statement. This adds to the hurtful effect. If you succeed in replacing these unwords with “sometimes”, “rarely”, “many”, “some”, or even better with a concrete example, the communication remains open.
Conclusion
A constructive approach to the other person has a great advantage: who knows what moves the other person, also has easier understanding. So you know not only how the other feels and what is going on in him; you also learn what view of things he has of the world.
