Most children wish for a sibling. But when the baby arrives, the older ones suddenly have to share their parents’ attention. Especially firstborns then feel set back. “That children are jealous when a sister or brother is born is quite normal,” says Karin Schreiner-Kürten, a certified psychologist at the AOK Federal Association. “Good preparation and targeted attention from parents then help the older ones cope with the new situation.”
When there is a sibling, elders need a lot of attention
A lot changes in a child’s life with the birth of a sibling: It realizes that not everything revolves around it anymore. This makes it all the more important for parents to announce the addition to their firstborn in good time. As a rule of thumb, the younger the first-born child, the later adults should tell him or her about the baby.
For children up to two years old, it is enough to explain shortly before the birth that another offspring is expected. “Even during pregnancy, you can involve your child by sorting baby clothes together, letting him or her stroke the belly, visiting friends with an infant or looking at picture books on the subject together,” recommends Karin Schreiner-Kürten. Parents should also prepare their daughter or son for the mother’s hospital stay. The child should know the person caring for him or her as well as possible beforehand.
Larger also give a gift
When the sibling is born and relatives or friends come to visit, the first look is usually the infant. The older ones are suddenly no longer the center of attention and react all the more jealously. The psychologist therefore advises: “Make sure that the older child also gets something when the first gifts for the baby arrive. It should also be noticed and its progress appreciated.”
Especially in the early days, it is important that parents give the older child as much attention as possible and show him or her their love – in this way, they can reduce fears of loss. “Consciously make time for the older child when the baby is being cared for. That way, it feels that it is just as important as the infant and that you love it just as much as before,” says Schreiner-Kürten. The mother or father can also pull out baby pictures of the firstborn and tell him about the time when he was an infant himself.
Spend time alone with older child
It’s also important for parents to spend intentional time alone with their older daughter or son, such as reading, romping, or playing. In this way, they once again give their big one the feeling of being the main person. It also makes sense for fathers to spend time specifically with the older child when the mother is breastfeeding or caring for the newborn. Says Schreiner-Kürten, “Maintain cherished rituals, for example, by reading a story to the firstborn as usual before bedtime.”
Involve in baby’s care
To keep the older child from feeling left out, parents can involve him or her in the baby’s care. For example, they can ask if he or she would like to help with bathing, changing diapers or applying lotion, and then praise him or her for his or her cooperation. If the older child does react aggressively, adults should remain calm if possible and accept his mixed feelings.
Generally, jealousy that is shown openly is better than hidden aggression. It is not uncommon for the child to be very fond of the sibling in front of the parents. If left alone with him, he annoys or nudges the baby. “Talk clearly to the big one and tell him not to be too rough with the newborn. However, the criticism should refer to the matter and not to the person of the child,” advises the psychologist. “However, avoid making the child feel guilty for having negative feelings toward the sibling.”
