It usually starts with quiet unease: “I noticed that my girlfriend often talked badly about others – even about closest confidants. That made me suspicious: How does she actually talk about me?” says 50-year-old Ute. “Then she stood me up several times and forgot my birthday. When I wanted to meet with her, she had no time. At some point, she said: ‘I have nothing better planned for Easter, maybe I’ll come visit you.’ That was the end of the line for me!”
Keeping problems quiet in a friendship is a risk. Maybe Ute’s friendship would have had a chance if she had spoken plainly in time. But if too much time has passed, only aggression remains and injuries are too deep, then an honest end to the friendship is usually better.
Male friendships
“… If you do a firmware update of your media center with a non-official beta version from the Internet, then it’s your own fault if nothing works anymore!” Mario is on the phone with Paul. Scenes of a male friendship that has lasted five years. Conversations about how the other feels are rather rare. So is calling the other a “best friend.” Men may have a best friend – but would rarely put it that way. Why is that? Perhaps because women meet more often on the relationship level, while men are more interested in factual topics: for example, the new iPod, soccer scores, career planning.
American scientists claim that male friendships consist of only about 20 percent conversations about themselves, while conversations about joint activities make up the far greater part. But that is also changing more and more. The ability to show feelings has increased among men in recent decades. That doesn’t mean they always just talk through their relationship. But the silent desperado who withdraws is increasingly becoming a discontinued model.
