Puberty is a time that most parents experience with horror and adolescents with uncertainty. During this phase, both sides must learn to confront conflict and balance boundaries with freedom. Parents must learn to simultaneously let go and continue to provide support for their children.
Conflicts are necessary
But unlike how most feel, puberty is more than just a single crisis. As a phase of development and detachment, with a growing sense of criticism towards the environment and adults, frequent – and above all necessary – conflicts arise. The relationship between parent and child is redefined, with an uncertain outcome, but by no means hopeless. Only: there are no patent remedies, because as unique as people are as children, so is their development into adults.
Protection in the cave
Annika is 13 years old. If you occasionally meet her on the street, she looks grim. Her face is full of pimples, she has dyed her hair pitch black, and, according to her mother, she squats exclusively in her gloomy room – quite typical behavior of adolescents. One of Germany’s best-known educational experts, Jan-Uwe Rogge, likes to use the lobster as an example to explain puberty: “It is the only animal that goes through puberty. It is the only animal that goes through puberty: first the flesh grows and then the shell. In order to survive, the lobster retreats into deep dark caves at the bottom of the sea. Here, in the depths, the flesh and the carapace grow. And this example has a lot to do with Annika and other adolescents. “An adolescent between 10 and 13 becomes thin-skinned, vulnerable, loses the carapace and, in order to survive, her lobster disappears into its cave. This cave is called a nursery. A nursery is like a cave. It is carefully sealed against oxygen influences from the outside. In the cave, the so-called scattering order prevails.” Puberty comes from the Latin “pubertas” and means “manhood.” This refers to the physical as well as mental-emotional developmental phase of a person between infancy and adulthood. In our latitudes, this is between the ages of 10 and 18 for girls and between the ages of 12 and 20 for boys. This phase of life begins when the pituitary gland sends a signal to the body to produce certain hormones. During puberty, sexual maturity occurs.
Arguing: Communication is difficult, but important
Daniel, almost 14, hates it when parents spend hours discussing a topic. “The babbling is annoying, but if it weren’t for that, and you didn’t care about me and I was allowed to do everything, that wouldn’t be okay either.” This is how he describes his relationship with his parents, Hans and Ellen (both 46). They experience for the first time how their son grows up. They vacillate between anger and understanding, generosity and severity, but they argue – or rather discuss – with Daniel, showing themselves willing to compromise now and then. And every day they try again, with varying success, because Daniel rarely sees the rules. “Just don’t try to please your pubescent. It’s impossible. “, says Jan-Uwe Rogge. Because in order to become independent and self-reliant, adolescents have to break away from their parents as the most important caregivers. This leads, for example, to demonstrated indifference, to the disparagement of parents as useless or incapable. Rebelliousness and rebellion against previous norms occur and are considered healthy and normal according to psychologists. According to studies, a fifteen-minute argument with the mother occurs every 1.5 days in girls, and six minutes every four days in boys. Arguing, it should be clear especially to stressed parents, is necessary for detachment. Psychologists even argue that low-conflict developments are more likely to be a cause for concern than high-conflict ones. The parents’ task is to maintain a willingness to talk and thus offer support. Experts, by the way, advise short and precise conversations without “word cascades” (Rogge), in which clear intentions should be formulated.
Walking a tightrope between setting boundaries and paternalism
Being able to argue with adults is also one of the many opportunities necessary for development to explore boundaries. Educationalists agree that boundaries, along with rules and agreements, are an absolute must at this stage – whether it’s helping around the house, set times to come home or cleaning up.Excessive tolerance and lax rules also provide no basis for friction or conflict, with the consequence that the pubescent seeks out other provocations; the list of horror scenarios for many parents then includes school failure, alcohol, drugs or smoking. It may sound a bit old-fashioned, but rules and thus boundaries, as long as they are agreed upon realistically and manageable for all parties, offer orientation and support. The opposite of rules, however, are paternalism, punishments and prohibitions, to which young people react with defiance and even aggression – and parents achieve nothing.
The “magic bag” – dealing with rule violations
Easier said than done, parents say – and rightly so. Because rule violations are commonplace among pubescents. Ignoring them is risky, because then parents become untrustworthy, boundaries lose validity, and boundary violations increase. In any case, adolescents must be aware of the consequences of breaking the rules, as in the example of the “magic bag”. In his book “Pubertät – Loslassen und Haltgeben” (Puberty – Letting Go and Giving Support), Jan-Uwe Rogge describes how a mother deals with the shoe chaos of her pubescent sons: if the shoes are not put away after two requests, they disappear in a “magic bag”, a simple sack, well hidden, for a week. This goes on until the sons have no more shoes and have to go to school on stockings. Mind you, the mother was consistent enough to go through this and in the end reaped insight on this one point.
