The Compulsion of Perfection: when Perfectionism Makes You Unhappy

Perfectionism is a compulsive behavior that allows no room for error. It is a burden both for the environment and for the sufferer. Even if they make an effort, they can’t get against it. Often fears or inferiority complexes hide behind it. Perfectionists cannot act spontaneously and must plan each of their actions precisely. Mistakes mean failure for them and the high standard applies not only to themselves, but to everyone who lives with them.

Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder: obsessed with perfection

There are definitely situations in which perfect work must be done. These include surgical procedures or working in a space probe. These are factual necessities that do not allow for mistakes. Not necessary, on the other hand, are compulsive actions that are characterized by hidden addiction to recognition and fear of loss. If perfectionism is so pronounced that it makes the person concerned unhappy, we are talking about a pathological condition. These people distrust even the normal processes of everyday life and have to control them themselves under all circumstances. The ego demands control and in this way wants to prevent any extraneous control. Compulsive behavior includes, for example, folding laundry or making lists of all kinds. The shirt is worked on until it exactly matches the measurements of the other pieces of laundry. On the lists, perfectionists note what they absolutely have to do during the day or week. They occupy themselves with these things until they are satisfied with themselves. They often criticize their counterpart if he or she does not work according to the same pattern. In most cases, this brings trouble. At work, they always check with their superiors to make sure they are satisfied with their work. Because they are always correcting themselves, they work more slowly than their colleagues. If they are asked about it, they do not understand the criticism. On the contrary. They feel misunderstood and are greatly insecure.

Am I a perfectionist?

The question of whether someone is a perfectionist cannot be answered in general terms. However, some facts point to the tendency to perfectionism. First of all, this is the inability to delegate activities to others. This is not only the case at work. Mothers who do every housework themselves are also part of it. They think that their husband or children are not doing the tasks properly. In sports, they always want to be the best and get annoyed when they are only second or third. Playing with them is difficult because they can’t lose. Even then, their suffering shows itself in the compulsion to always have to win. The high demand on themselves is also reflected in the relationship to their own body. If this does not live up to the expectations, eating disorders and impairments in sexual life occur. There is no feeling of well-being because the exterior is not perfectly formed. Exaggerated sports and starvation diets are the consequences of this.

Perfection does not make one happier

No one is perfect. This is true for the princes of the church of various religions as well as for people with less responsibility. Every person has their endearing qualities. The supposed faults make them an individual and only that distinguishes them as human beings. Those who strive for perfection defy natural conditions. Being allowed to make mistakes is by no means an indication of weakness. The opposite is the case. Only then does someone show greatness when he admits a supposed wrongdoing. It proves at the same time that he is only a human being and for the reason not perfect. Happiness is a state that has to be worked for. Superficial people often see it in connection with financial independence. Perfectionists are not satisfied with this. For them, life planning must be perfect. It starts with the purchase of their own home and ends with the sex of their children. As soon as they are confronted with an extraordinary event, reality catches up with them and in many cases they despair. Perfectionists have a high level of suffering and many expect the people around them to act exactly as they do. This often leads to disagreements within the family and the workplace. Parents who want to be perfect in raising their children work with pressure.They expect their offspring to behave impeccably at all times. In doing so, they often satisfy their own ego and neglect casual interaction within the family. If the children show their own will and their supposed faults and shortcomings, then a world collapses for perfectionists. They are unhappy and doubt themselves. It is like a spiral that continues to spin inexorably if help is not sought. The dissatisfaction perpetuates itself in the children and positive reinforcers fail to materialize on both sides.

What you can do about perfectionism

The first step in getting rid of one’s perfectionism is recognizing it. To see it as such is difficult and this can often only be done with professional help. Small exercises that automatically become part of everyday life over time also help. The perfect housewife can force herself to stop cleaning the windows weekly or vacuuming daily. She should consciously refrain from doing so. Only those affected can understand how difficult this is for everyone. At work, it helps if work that has been started is left undone and no overtime is worked. If there are important things to be done, many of them can be done by employees or colleagues. A good exercise is also to play Monopoly with your children and lose. Yes, this is also what characterizes a person. To be happy with others and not to be angry about one’s own “failure”. This continues in the soccer club or bowling club and goes down well with the people around you. They will soon notice that the former perfectionist is working on himself and support him in his endeavors. Dealing with him becomes easier and he himself becomes more satisfied. It is important, however, that the desire to stop the compulsive actions does not also culminate in perfectionism. A lot of patience is needed here. After all, the disease did not arise in a day and just as little it ends in this short period of time.

Happiness lies in serenity

Happiness is a relative term. Everyone has his or her own feeling about it. This does not mean the filled bank account or the big house. To rest in himself and to go his way with a lot of serenity, that is happiness. To deal with one’s neighbors in a mindful way and also to admit mistakes to them, brings about peace within every relationship. Yes, it is peace with oneself and one’s loved ones that makes one happy.