What is the defiance phase?
The defiance phase describes a certain stage of development in children, which children from the age of two go through with varying intensity. In rare cases, the defiant phase does not occur due to social circumstances. During the defiance phase, the child’s behavior changes, it tests how far it can go with its own will, its own scope of action is tested and the child reacts to resistance. The reaction to resistance is described as a defiance reaction and can be expressed by loud screaming and crying. In the process, some children lash out and find it difficult to calm down.
What can I as a parent/parent do against the defiant phase?
The phase of defiance is very important for the child’s personality development, emotional development and for the development of the ego. For this reason, parents should react correctly to their children’s defiance attacks in order to provide a suitable framework for them and not to provoke new uncontrolled defiant reactions, but to find a way out of this phase. Parents should let their child try it out if the situation allows it, this way the child can strengthen its self-confidence and gain its own experiences.
This gives the child the opportunity to learn on its own and it does not always meet with a “no” from the parents when it wants to try something. This only applies to situations that are completely harmless for the child and to things that have no great value for the parents – if this is not the case, the parents should give the child a clear “no”. When the child has been shown his or her limits, it is important not to give in to the child’s will, even if it becomes loud and gets a tantrum.
Children need clear limits and rules that must be adhered to, otherwise the child will quickly learn which behavior it must show in order to get by with its parents with its own will. It must be very clear to the child which rules it must adhere to, these rules should not only always apply, but their observance must be demanded equally from all caregivers. Many parents know their children very well and know when it can often come to defiant reactions of the children.
It is advisable to avoid or defuse such situations that trigger violent reactions in the child, in order to protect oneself and the child, because such extreme defiant reactions can often be triggered by fear in the child. The child itself is not able to name the fear, which is why the parents are encouraged to observe the child’s behavior closely. If a strong tantrum has occurred, it is very important that the parents themselves remain calm.
This includes that they do not let themselves be carried away by the child’s anger and start to shout, scold or punish the child themselves. Parents have the task of setting a good example and explaining to the child after the attack that certain expressions are taboo. In order to remain calm in such a defiant situation, one must take a deep breath, not take the child’s reaction personally and meet the child with empathy.
Often it helps if you take the child in your arms, because then some of the tension disappears and the child calms down. Furthermore, after a seizure or before the child blindly goes into a seizure, it is possible to distract the child, for example with his favorite cuddly toy or another exciting situation that makes the child forget the actual problem. Such aces in the sleeve, which are very likely to calm the child, are especially recommended if you are moving with the child in public and you do not want to attract attention.
One usually speaks of a real defiant phase only in children from the age of two years, but similar behavior, such as uncontrolled crying, can be observed in babies. In the first year of life, children draw attention to their needs through their verbal expressions, which must be satisfied by their parents. Accordingly, a crying baby is not an act of defiance directed against a prohibition by the parents, but rather an alert to needs that must be satisfied in order to survive.
Parents should, unlike an older child with a real tantrum, react as quickly as possible to the child’s behavior. A quick response to the baby’s behavior promotes parent-child bonding and strengthens the child’s basic trust.Only at the end of the first year of life do children learn that their behavior can influence the activities of adults. Now the babies are able to use their crying in a more targeted way to express their basic needs and demand their breastfeeding.
In addition, the first cries express the child’s anger. For example, if you take a toy or something similar away from the babies, they start to cry because a situation has changed against their will. This crying expresses the helplessness of the babies.
Accordingly, this reaction is described as anger rather than defiance. At the age of two, children begin to develop their own will. If this is at odds with the opinion of the parents, this can lead to a tantrum.
Previously, the child’s survival was ensured by the care, food and protection of the parents, without the child having to put its own head through it. Now, at the age of two years, the child has reached a stage of development in which it has its own ideas and wants to put them through to the parents. For the first time, the child begins to set itself apart and to practice what it means to have its own will.
At the age of two, children have their own ideas and thoughts, which they are not yet able to transform into a language that can always be understood by adults. The child understands many things from its environment, but is not yet able to express itself adequately verbally. Thus, at this age, tantrums can arise very quickly, as the child makes itself felt by screaming, crying, kicking or hitting the air.
Most of the time, these are outbursts of anger and rage that occur suddenly and intensely, but disappear just as quickly as they came. At the age of three the child wants to be more independent on the one hand and tries to do a lot on its own, on the other hand the child longs for parental care, love and security. In their striving for autonomy, the children gradually discover their wishes and preferences, which is why it is very difficult for the parents to foresee the wishes of the children.
The child discovers its own will and this inevitably results in the child wanting things or things that are forbidden by the parents or which the child is not capable of doing. For this reason, violent tantrums and outbursts of rage can occur without the parents having had a premonition. It can happen that little things that are forbidden to the child cause strong reactions in the child.
At this age such tantrums and tantrums with tears result from frustration because the child wants to achieve something that he is often not yet capable of at that age. he phase in which the children want to do everything themselves and they do not yet succeed in everything is very important for development because the children move independently of their parents for the first time. In this new phase of life, the children want to explore the environment themselves, which is accompanied by increased physical activity.
At the age of four, depending on the child, defiant reactions can still develop from the phase of the three-year-old children. From child to child, it is very individual when the child goes through each phase and how long it lasts. Children at four years of age can already walk and talk, which distinguishes them from babies who require round-the-clock care.
The children have now acquired a certain degree of independence and want to gradually increase this. However, in doing so they come up against limits set by the parents on the one hand to educate the child or to protect it from danger, on the other hand these limits exist due to the physical development which is not yet complete. These limits can cause reactions such as defiance or anger in some children even in the fourth year of life.
Normally, however, the tantrums and defiance reactions decrease significantly from the age of four, as the children’s linguistic abilities and the scope for action improve significantly. Children in the fifth year of life usually have hardly any more defiant fits or strongly uncontrolled outbursts of rage. The child is linguistically and also emotionally developed to the point where it can follow rules and can also partially understand and see.
However, if the children do not experience boundaries from their parents, this can lead to the children continuing to experience defiant reactions and outbursts of rage. They have learnt that this behavior has a desired effect on the parents and take advantage of it.Such outbursts or seizures have nothing to do with frustration, as in infancy, but are used consciously and purposefully for their own desires. The children are so powerful towards their parents and often reach their will with it, so that a tantrum does not decrease with increasing age, but is maintained.
In the phase of defiance at the age of 6, it is similar to that of five years. Normally, with a correct and consistent upbringing, the child should have discarded his or her tantrums, since he or she is now so far advanced in development that he or she can verbally express what he or she wants and also the motor skills are so advanced that he or she achieves much of what he or she has set out to do. However, if tantrums continue to occur, it is possible that the child has learned that it gets what it wants from its parents or that the child behaves this way out of insecurity and excessive demands.
Such an excessive demand or also fear can accompany in connection with the school entrance and the new life situation. If children have had little contact with their peers before, they can also be overwhelmed by a school class, because peers behave differently towards a child than adults and this is something the child has to learn for the first time. Furthermore, it can happen that the child, if he or she has not been set limits by his or her parents before, now experiences limits and rules to which he or she must adhere for the first time in school. At the beginning this can lead to defiance or anger attacks, but these do not last long if the educator is consistent.
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