Surely almost every person has been jealous at some point. For some, occasional jealousy is even part of a partnership. However, with control calls and jealousy scenes, you quickly put your relationship at risk. We show what you can do to get your jealousy under control.
What is jealousy?
Jealousy is a mixture of several feelings. At the forefront is a nagging fear of losing the affection or attention of an important caregiver to someone else. It usually does not matter whether there is a realistic reason for the jealousy or not. In addition to fear of loss, jealousy is often accompanied by anger, sadness, distrust, feelings of inferiority, and sometimes aggression.
Acute triggers for jealousy
In relationships, jealousy is not an uncommon phenomenon – and it is so regardless of gender. However, while men are more likely to react jealously when they suspect their partner of sexual infidelity, according to surveys, jealousy in women is usually triggered by great familiarity of their partner with a third person. But jealousy also exists in friendships and families. For example, even young children are jealous when their parents pay more attention to their siblings.
Basic causes of jealousy
Jealousy can have different causes. Usually it arises from self-doubt and low self-esteem. Sometimes negative past experiences, such as an ex-partner’s infidelity or childhood experiences, also trigger the fear of loss.
How much is normal?
Jealousy can come in different intensities. A little jealousy is normal and nothing to worry about. Usually, the nagging feeling subsides once the problematic situation is resolved. However, if the jealousy persists permanently, it can become a problem.
Recognize signs
If one partner is possessive and tries to isolate the other, this may be a sign of pathological jealousy. By making checking calls and going through personal belongings, pathologically jealous partners try to find evidence of the other’s infidelity. Such behavior puts a lot of strain on a relationship and often leads to arguments.
Consequences of pathological jealousy
If jealous people are dominated by the fear of losing their partner, they often neglect their work and social contacts as well. In addition, they often suffer from sleep and concentration problems. Headaches, back pain or stomach aches as well as psychosomatic complaints are also not uncommon in very jealous people.
Jealousy mania as an extreme form
The most extreme form of jealousy is the jealousy delusion, also known as Othello syndrome. In this delusional disorder, the affected person is unshakably convinced of the partner’s infidelity and meticulously searches for evidence of it. Logical arguments are completely useless against the subjective certainty of the sufferer. This form of jealousy is quite rare and usually occurs in connection with alcoholism, schizophrenia or dementia. Medications are often used as part of the therapy.
When should jealousy be treated?
Everyone evaluates jealousy differently. For some it is a proof of love, for others a relationship killer. Basically, if you notice that your own jealousy is putting a strain on the relationship or that others are suffering because of it, it is necessary to get jealousy under control. It is important not to look for the cause in your partner’s behavior, but in yourself. If you cannot control your jealousy on your own, you should seek therapeutic help. This is especially advisable if the fear of loss is deeply rooted.
Overcoming jealousy
Controlling one’s jealousy requires a lot of practice and is especially difficult when the jealousy is severe. First, you should explore where the feeling is coming from. Often, there is a long-lasting dissatisfaction in the relationship at the root. If the jealousy remains within normal limits, it can help to openly address the issue with the partner, to formulate his or her needs, and to concretely agree on where the tolerance limits lie. Couples can also strengthen their sense of togetherness through joint activities.
Defeat jealousy through self-esteem
Self-esteem and a positive sense of self-worth are important ways to combat jealousy so that you do not perceive others around your partner as a threat. The following tips can help:
- Watch for signs of affection from your partner.
- Make yourself aware of your strengths.
- Treat yourself as understanding and benevolent as a good friend.
- Realize that you do not have to be ashamed of your mistakes and weaknesses.
- Set a goal of how you want to be, instead of comparing yourself with other people’s ideal images.
- Become more independent: find your own hobbies and go out alone sometimes.
Get jealousy attacks under control.
If a jealousy attack threatens, reclaim control early and don’t let the feeling overwhelm you. Become aware of your jealousy and fight it:
- Breathe in and out slowly and try to relax.
- Say “stop” out loud to yourself internally.
- Lead yourself to the fact that your partner loves you and reflect on your strengths.
- Distract yourself, for example, through sports or a conversation with a friend.
If the partner is jealous
Most partners of jealous people suffer from the constant control, lack of trust and suspicion. If the jealousy goes too far, you should indeed show your partner that he is not alone with his fears. But also make it clear to him that he must overcome his fear of loss and, if necessary, advise him to seek professional help to combat his jealousy.
Differences between jealousy and envy
Envy and jealousy are often confused, but they refer to different feelings: unlike jealous people, envious people are not afraid of losing a loved one, but want to have something that others possess.
