The partner, the boss, the children: everyone is brimming with requests. However, no one can fulfill all requests. Everyone has to say no sometimes, too. The only question is – how? “Could you please stay longer tonight” asks the boss. “Hmm, yes well,” you hesitate, although you have already agreed for the third time this week. The end of the story: anger creeps up inside you. Why didn’t you finally say no?
You can’t please everyone
The reason is that many people try to do the impossible – namely, to please everyone. But that can’t work: Either your boss or your free time will fall by the wayside that night. A no could mean that your boss will be bad-mouthed towards you tomorrow. But in return, you have given yourself the preference and shown your boss that he cannot freely dispose of you.
If you say yes too often, you lose your independence and the respect of those around you. Why do some people do this anyway and always have new tasks imposed on them?
Saying yes is learned behavior
“Especially when parents make their attention dependent on obedience, this lays the foundation for later yes-saying,” explains Klaus Fischer, a social pedagogue and child, youth and family therapist. Children obey because they want to be loved and are afraid of losing value for their parents with every “no”.
Parents should therefore respect the boundaries that children set. “A child has the right to say it doesn’t want to eat fish,” says the expert. Otherwise, he says, the interests of others quickly take center stage, while their own take a back seat.
“Children learn to implement their own wishes in such a way that it is not at the expense of others,” Fischer says. And: Children observe their parents’ behavior very closely. That’s why fathers and mothers should be good role models who know what they want and what they don’t want.
Rejection should be learned
However, many children retain the yes-man attitude into adulthood. They derive their self-confidence from the feeling of being needed and recognized. At the same time, they are by no means selfless, but secretly expect gratitude.
Women are more susceptible to this “helper syndrome” than men. Among other reasons, this is because they are more often afraid of appearing cold or selfish. These are traits that don’t exactly rank high in society. Therefore, to many, saying yes may initially seem like the easier path. In the long run, it is the much more arduous path. After all, yes-men put their energy into the desires of others and risk being taken advantage of.
The benefits of saying no
It is therefore only advantageous to practice saying no specifically: For once, visualize the concrete benefits of saying no. Write down what you gain by saying no. Not only will you have more time for your own wishes. You also gain motivation and strength when you concentrate on what you want. And your environment will feel this gain in energy. This helps you to say no in a friendly way next time.
4 strategies for saying no
Nay-sayers often make themselves unpopular by their refusals and they are afraid of that. Partly rightly so. Therefore, it is advisable to have some strategies at hand that will make saying no easier:
- Collect arguments for the no, because petitioners understand a no better if they are given a reason for the refusal. For example, like this, “You know I go to the sports club every Wednesday. Without me, the handball team can not compete.”
- Offer alternatives: Show that you would like to fulfill another wish. This could go like this: “Tonight I have an appointment with the tax advisor, but tomorrow I will do it first thing.” In professional life, this often works well.
- Children also need a clear set of expectations. “Our competition on the game console is postponed until tomorrow. Look, I’ll put it on the kitchen calendar: Thursday, 7 pm, Tomb Raider, Florian against Dad.”
- Always show appreciation: keep eye contact with the person you are talking to and smile while you formulate your no. Show in a friendly way that you refuse the request, but not the person himself.
