Most adults can well remember the queasy feeling when they think back to their school days: the stomach cramped up merely because they had to speak or sing in front of a larger group. For some children, the threshold is much lower. They blush when a teacher speaks to them. Shy children are also often loners in the playground: they don’t romp with other students, but stand on the sidelines.
Cultural differences
In Germany, shyness tends to be perceived as a disadvantage – these children are often outsiders, they are considered timid and inhibited. It’s different in Chinese society: reserved children are seen as particularly intelligent. They are popular everywhere – with their peers and teachers. Chinese parents therefore encourage their offspring’s shy behavior.
Role model parents
So why are some children shy and others not? Shyness is a character trait that can be innate, but also learned. Children look to see how adults and older siblings do it. They learn by watching how parents deal with unfamiliar situations and people. If the parents are rather anxious, this is also transferred to the child. The younger they are, the less they can judge how promising the habits of their direct role models are. Everything that dad and mom do is good and recommended for imitation. Behavioral scientists call this strategy “learning from the model.” If you have the impression that your child is more shy than others, consider what pattern he or she might be imitating that he or she knows from home. Playmates also play a role. Formative experiences with friends can reinforce the basic timid attitude. And this has consequences: If children are excluded in a playgroup without being able to explain it, they begin to doubt themselves. They lose self-confidence and withdraw.
Development in steps
At certain ages, however, shyness is quite normal. Between the ages of eight and twelve months, children “stranger” massively. Why is this? Children only gradually develop the ability to distinguish between the familiar and the unfamiliar. All people – except mom and dad – are classified as foreign. The little ones are now even afraid of the gaze of people who previously smiled at them in a friendly manner. Strangeness, for all its strangeness, is a sign of the child’s ability to bond with its parents. It is therefore part of a completely normal development. This is followed by a “break” of about six weeks, during which the children open up to everything unknown. However, this does not last long, because the next shy phase is already just around the corner. Children between 18 and 24 months are extremely shy or even fearful of strangers. At the same time, they say “no” to almost everything and would prefer to own and hold onto everything. This also applies to mommy and daddy, whom they do not want to give away under any circumstances. In the third year of life, children develop more independence. They make contact with their peers and their first friendships develop. Offer your offspring a platform: joint trips to playgrounds, visits to neighbor children and first invitations to playmates. This is where your child needs your organizational skills and your sympathy. If you think the shy phase is now over: wrong! Many children are still shy between the ages of four and seven. The transition to kindergarten and later to school is a special challenge. Even though most children are looking forward to school, they need the support and encouragement of parents to help them adjust well to their new environment.
Overly anxious
Some children feel extremely insecure in social situations outside the family. This can be exacerbated when further social stress is added, such as moving to a different city. Anxious children, for example, find it difficult to speak their minds, let alone assert them. They also tend to withdraw and become overly preoccupied with their own insecurities. In extreme cases, this inhibition blocks thoughts and leads to persistent feelings of anxiety, dejection, and further isolation. Without appropriate countermeasures, withdrawal behavior can continue to increase and escalate into sociophobia. This refers to the exaggerated fear of situations in which one is the focus of other people’s attention.Some sufferers develop into shy creatures and shut themselves off from the outside world. At the same time, however, they suffer from this self-chosen loneliness.
Help from outside
If the inhibition is so great that it impairs the mental receptiveness of your child or you recognize clear withdrawal tendencies you should seek the conversation with the educators or teachers. This will give you feedback on whether your child behaves the same way when they are not around. If all the people involved agree and various measures have not brought about any significant improvement, you should not be afraid to consult a child psychologist. Professionals distinguish whether it is just inhibition or a developmental disorder. Psychological treatment is primarily aimed at highlighting the child’s personal strengths, boosting self-confidence and learning how to deal with unpleasant situations in behavioral training.