Chris Paul, social psychologist and director of the TrauerInstitut Deutschland, describes four tasks of mourning:
- grasping the reality of death and loss
- @ living through the diversity of feelings
- to perceive and shape changes in the environment
- @ assigning a new place to the dead person
As a loved one, you must somehow manage these tasks. You can start doing them before the death of your loved one and continue the work afterwards – even for several years if necessary. Give yourself the time you need to do this, and don’t put pressure on yourself to function and be happy as before. But do work on getting back to enjoying your life.
Some example of what can help you with grief work:
- Talk about the death of your loved one and how it makes you feel when you feel like it.
- Do crazy things: dance in the living room at night, scream at the sky.
- Write down what moves you.
- Feel your emotions.
- Let tears flow.
- Read books about grief.
- Visit a psychologist or a grief group.
- Take small steps.
- Postpone big decisions.
- Reevaluate your own life.
- Allow yourself to accept help from others.
Talk about dying
Dying and death are topics that most people prefer not to think about – much less talk about. However, if you want to support a seriously ill person, it is advisable to talk to him about dying, insofar as he allows it. Ask him, for example,
- where he would like to die
- who he would like to say goodbye to
- what music should be played at his funeral
- how he wants to be buried
- who should come to his funeral
Talking often relieves the burden on the dying. And for yourself, it gives you confidence in how to please the person you are caring for.
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