Separation anxiety is a feeling that can take a toll on sufferers, their partners and their families. The way to manage this anxiety is to become aware of the emotional processes and learn new patterns of behavior.
What is separation anxiety?
Separation anxiety is a major (in most cases) factually unfounded fear that both children and adults can suffer from. For example, the fear of losing the most important caregiver often appears in children when they are first taken to kindergarten and asked to stay there. However, if the fears shown last much longer than usual, so that social life is thus decisively impaired, separation anxiety is considered patholgic. Doctors classify such behavior with the child and adolescent psychiatric diagnosis “emotional disorder of childhood” with separation anxiety. Separation anxiety is not uncommon at this stage of life and in most cases passes quickly. However, there are also cases in which separation anxiety persists for a longer period of time and still occurs during the school years. In adulthood, the issue of separation anxiety in interpersonal relationships also has relevance. Especially in very low-conflict relationships, one (or even both) partners are often affected by separation anxiety. As soon as the partner wants to be more self-actualized, the partner feels threatened with greater separation anxiety. Even if fidelity or breaking off the relationship is not an issue, jealousy and panic can occur.
Causes
Pinpointing a reliable trigger for separation anxiety is difficult. A complex interaction between the environment and a person’s emotions always underlies an anxiety disorder. Very shy and introverted children and adults, respectively, have a higher risk of developing anxiety. It is not uncommon for people with separation anxiety to have also experienced severe “alienation” in early childhood. Children affected by separation anxiety often fear that something might happen to their parents while they are away. If parents do not competently resolve these situations out of ignorance, but simply avoid anxiety-provoking situations, the offspring cannot learn how to deal with their fear of being alone. Of course, experiences of rejection and actual loss can also have a traumatic effect and thus contribute to the development of separation anxiety. When separation anxiety is found in adult relationships, the cause is often the feeling of not being able to take care of oneself as a single person. The fear of loss causes emotional dependency to develop.
Symptoms, complaints, and signs
When children suffer from separation anxiety and do not want to go to kindergarten or school in the morning, they most likely do not state the real reason (of their anxiety), but develop psychosomatic nausea, headaches or stomach aches. Many children also react with open expressions of displeasure, crying and screaming when it comes to “separation”. Fear of going to sleep can also be a manifestation of separation anxiety. To avoid the nighttime dramas, sleeping in the parent’s bed is a short-term solution, but it does not reach the root of separation anxiety. The same is true for adult relationships where separation anxiety is an issue. Either the anxiety is not openly shown. In these cases, most often the person with separation anxiety tries to avoid the conflict in order to maintain the relationships at all costs. The person affected by separation anxiety does not admit to openly standing up for their own feelings and desires. If the separation anxiety is shown openly, it can in turn lead to scenes that put the other person under pressure and are intended to make him or her give in. Both are conceivable.
Diagnosis and course of the disease
Separation anxiety is recognized in situations where a (very brief) separation is called for and the other person (child or adult) reacts disproportionately. Fear is an intense human emotion. Fear enables us to recognize threats and thus ensure survival. Individuals affected by separation anxiety have an irrational need for security that is actually already provided. If help now consists of giving in, the behavior becomes entrenched.
Complications
Pronounced separation anxiety is a great burden for the affected person as well as for his or her relatives and friends. Affected children often develop psychosomatic complaints such as nausea, headaches or abdominal pain. If separation anxiety is not dealt with therapeutically, psychological suffering often develops, which can persist into adulthood and considerably restrict the person affected in the way he or she lives his or her life. Adults who suffer from separation anxiety cause stress and anxiety in their partner. In the long run, the partnership suffers and new conflicts arise again and again, which in most cases lead to separation. For the person affected, such a breakup is a traumatic experience. Without psychological help, psychological disorders (for example, inferiority complexes or social anxiety) may develop. In individual cases, there is a risk of suicide – not only due to the emotional pain felt by the affected person, but often also as a kind of defiant reaction to the separation. Drug treatment of separation anxiety can be associated with short-term or permanent personality changes. Fatigue and numbness are typical side effects of antidepressants that significantly reduce quality of life, at least temporarily.
When should you see a doctor?
Fear of losing a loved one is considered a natural feeling. If two people part ways due to a move, the end of a relationship or a possible passing, many face the development helplessly. In most cases, overcoming the events can be achieved through the support of the social environment. A doctor or therapist is not needed. Conversations, the process of understanding and accepting the situation lead to an alleviation of the discomfort after a few weeks or months. This is a natural process that does not require medical care. However, if massive discomfort or problems occur, seeking therapeutic help is indicated. In case of behavioral abnormalities, weight changes, withdrawal behavior or apathy, consultation with a physician is recommended. A depressive demeanor, panicky reactions or hysterical behavioral traits are considered worrisome. If there is a sleep disturbance, vegetative irregularities, concentration disorders or headaches, a doctor should be consulted. If there is an inner restlessness, the experience of prolonged suffering, or trembling of the limbs, the affected person needs help. Nausea, vomiting, diarrhea or an inner tension are signs of a health condition and should be discussed with a physician. If usual duties can no longer be performed, a visit to the doctor should be made.
Treatment and therapy
Separation anxiety occurs when there is a fear of separation. Since these fears of being abandoned are usually unfounded, it is important to address the issue and thus bring the diffuse fears into clarity. Giving in and avoiding are not good ideas. This is true for both children and the partner affected by separation anxiety. Rather, it is a matter of creating positive new experiences to develop new conditioning. Parents can learn to create necessities for children, to face challenges. They can communicate to the child that they trust him or her to deal with “separation.” In adult relationships, many clarifying conversations are also helpful when separation anxiety is identified. Provided the relationship has a foundation based on fidelity and honesty, then one partner’s separation anxiety will not pose a threat. In very few cases, professional help from a therapist will be needed. If that is the case, then therapy will try to get to the root cause of the anxiety.
Prevention
Preventive measures to avoid separation anxiety are the acquisition of skills aimed at a person’s independence. For children, this can be shopping at the bakery or spending the night at a friend’s house. Adults should learn to stand on their own two feet. In a relationship, each partner, should have the space to realize themselves and make their own experiences.
Aftercare
After a therapy of separation anxiety, a consistent aftercare is important to prevent a flare-up of the symptomatology as sustainable as possible.Aftercare can be coordinated with the treating therapist. Attending a support group can also be very useful: People who have or have had the same problems with separation anxiety can support each other and give helpful tips. Discussions with the partner are often also a means of combating separation anxiety in the aftercare phase. Doubts about the partner’s faithfulness and loyalty can thus often be managed from the beginning, before the strong separation anxiety develops. Important for people with separation anxiety are two other aspects that should be particularly integrated as pillars of aftercare. Firstly, the patient’s self-confidence should be strengthened so that being alone does not frighten them and they develop the feeling that they can cope well on their own in the event of a real separation. This reduces separation anxiety in many cases. It is also crucial to maintain social contacts outside the partnership and to reactivate or even expand them during aftercare. In this way, the focus is not on the partner alone. To feel taken care of in a social network can then also help to prevent separation anxiety well.
This is what you can do yourself
Separation anxiety is a phenomenon in which the affected person can often noticeably improve his situation through self-help in everyday life. Knowing the reason for separation anxiety is particularly helpful in this context. If the cause lies in a lack of self-esteem or the feeling of not being able to be alone, remedies that boost self-confidence are often helpful. Hobbies and company with friends are suitable to put social contacts on a broad basis. Fixation on the partner as a frequent cause of separation anxiety can be reduced in this way. If the cause of separation anxiety is rooted in the partner himself, conversations are often a right way when it comes to discussing the fear of separation. Friends and other confidants are also often helpful interlocutors for discussing this very personal problem. If the problem is not only tied to the current partner, but has also occurred in previous partnerships, this system may also be purposefully discussed in a special self-help group for partnership problems. Serenity and basic trust are important factors with regard to a relaxed relationship without separation anxiety. Classical relaxation methods such as PMR (Progressive Muscle Relaxation according to Jacobsen) or Autogenic Training can be helpful here. Regular practice of yoga can also help.
