Mourning after separation | The different phases of grief

Mourning after separation

Separations also lead to mourning in a certain way. The duration of a relationship does not always play a major role. Even very short relationships can be a burden for some people for a long time, if they were experienced as very intense.

People deal with separations very differently. While some people enjoy their newly gained independence, others prefer to throw themselves into their work or even into a new relationship. Also the mourning after a separation is attributed by some authors a phased course. However, these are unscientific models that are basically based on personal experience.

Mourning after lovesickness

Lovesickness is an important emotional process that comes to light during the processing of an unrequited, past or unhappy love. It can take place in a “healthy” mental area or it can lead to an excessive depressive reaction. Lovesickness, which is experienced purely psychologically as a kind of “grief”, is a normal reaction. Mostly it can be processed within a few months or a year. However, a depressive symptomatology must be distinguished from this, which is accompanied by listlessness, joylessness, a feeling of paralysis or even physical pain.

Mourning after death

The grief after the death of a close and loved one is probably experienced by everyone at least once in their life. Many people, whether they are psychologists, clergymen, psychiatrists, sociologists or scholars, have in the past been concerned and occupied with the grief that is experienced after death. Often they tried to put the process into words.

This has led to the development of various models that aim to make the mourning process easier to understand and to provide insights into the experience of the mourner. Famous examples of such phase models are the models after Verena Kast, Yorick Spiegel and Kübler-Ross. The latter describes the course of the mourning phases of a dying person in the true sense of the word, but it can also be applied to the experience of death as an outsider.

The mourning after the death of a close person is only understandable and natural. Rough patterns of grief can be recognized (see models), which apparently apply to many people. Nevertheless, the mourning after the death of a person is very individual.

While some people cope well with death and quickly find their way back into life – which does not mean that they forget the deceased – other people experience great difficulties in finding their way back into their everyday life. The Swiss psychologist Verena Kast formulated four phases of grief, which refer to the loss of a close person – in the sense of a death. 1st phase of not-being-aware: In this phase the mourner experiences a kind of shock reaction.

It occurs immediately after the news of death. Desperation, helplessness and perplexity are typical feelings in this phase, which can last from a few hours to several weeks. The reactions of the people are very different.

Some feel paralyzed, others break down completely and lose control.2nd phase of the breaking up emotions: This phase is very different for each individual. Each person has different emotions. Often it is rage or anger, despair, sadness or even incomprehension.

In any case, the emotions should be experienced consciously and not suppressed, otherwise they can have serious consequences, such as depression. A duration of weeks up to several months is assumed. 3. the phase of searching and separating: This phase is a complex process of searching and separating.

But what does it actually mean? After the loss of a loved one, mourners search for memories. Experienced moments are relived inside, common places are visited or activities are taken up that were shared with the deceased.

Open points are clarified and negotiated within. This phase is very intense and allows a violent confrontation with the deceased and the experience of death. Things are sought again and again, small separations of things are lived through and new searches arise.

A duration of several months or even years is possible. 4th phase of the new self and world reference: After the experienced emotions are processed, the mourner finds peace again. Often the attitude of the mourner has changed to many things, after the experienced was correctly evaluated and processed.

Life is continued and the realization that life goes on despite the loss and has a meaning now prevails. Yorick Spiegel was a German Protestant theologian who defined four phases of mourning. In his model, he describes phases that a person goes through when he learns of the death of a loved one.

1. shock phase: This phase follows immediately after the news that a loved one has died. The mourner experiences a feeling of paralysis, a kind of shock. The news of death is not processed properly and leads to a quasi void of feelings.

This phase lasts a maximum of two days. 2nd controlled phase: This phase is characterized by obligations and tasks that are present around the funeral. During this time, the mourner has no free space to deal with his or her own feelings.

Often mourners describe this phase like a film that passes them by. 3rd phase of regression: As soon as the mourner comes to rest for a while, he or she has time to process what has happened. He hardly deals with other things and focuses on the mourning for the deceased.

4th phase of adaptation: In this phase the mourner finds access to his or her environment again and begins to lead an independent life again. Nevertheless, there are relapses into sadness, but he or she learns to deal with them better and better. Furthermore, he or she can now open up to new relationships that can play a lasting role in his or her life. This phase lasts about one year.